As our children transition from children to preadolescents (the early double digits), a whole new world of uneasiness can arise for them and for us. Will they be strong enough to find their voice and curious enough to look for it? Will they be kind as they navigate their new world? Hormones pay us all a visit and push their way into our homes, schools and delicate relationships. Peer pressure preys on even the strongest of kids and rears itself to test them repeatedly. How should we cope with the changes? How do we ease the worry about such things as drug use, bullying, body image? How do we let go just enough? How do we let them climb?
I was kayaking with my 10 year old in a small Washington State lake recently. Blackberry bushes here and there at the water’s edge, sweet, but with prickly thorns. We peered ahead at snowcapped Mount Rainier in the distance and continued to call out “tree stump” to warn the other that there was a black, bumpy, wide tree stump rearing it’s head out of the calm waters. The air was warm and my daughter was clearly happy as was I. I did have my phone with me for taking photos, but there was no social media or texting going on. I never text and row. Then as we were immersed in our time finally disconnected from technology, she asks for her own cell phone. “But why not? It’s not fair. When will I be allowed to have one?”, she boasted. I explained in my best mom voice how we want her to focus on other things. It’s not about our trust in her. It’s not about her peers who may have unlimited access to all their devices. It’s about her being patient, our family values and our challenging goal of limit setting. Her demeanor changes and while she is not disrespectful, she kayaks away swiftly and is obviously angry with me. I lie down on my paddle board as the sun beats down on my skin. After a few minutes I hear, “Mom, are you coming?” That was a moment for me. An internal sigh of relief. She isn’t ready to be off on her own just yet. I am reassured. I reassure her. She leads us down the canal past the blackberry bushes.
As preadolescents and teens, our children still need us. They need to feel safe. They need to feel empowered. They need guidance. The line exists when you are at a crossroads to create an independent child who is secure, self-sufficient and one who can still lean on you and feel that safety only a parent can provide. In the last few decades, there has been a shift in parenting, sometimes coined, “over parenting“ or “helicopter parenting”. This refers to the newer generations of parents feeling as if they need to save their children from every challenge, struggle or failure. This stems from the love we have for our children and the fear we have that they will not be successful. It all comes from a well-meaning place. We all want our children to be more successful than we have been or will be. That is a natural “baby wish”. The pressure does fall on us to some degree but only for short while. We are expected to provide love, food, warmth then love, food, warmth, clothes, education. Then as college approaches we are to provide them with their wings so to speak. We need to prepare them, but do we need to do their homework along the way? Micromanage their studies? Fill out their job and college applications? Fight their battles on the playground at the notorious cafeteria table? Each child is different. There are some kids who need a bit more guidance than others. A bit more in the way of checking in. But they are all capable, have a great potential to be independent, and should be given that chance. Allow them these chances. Early on, encourage them to ask questions when out in the world. Create opportunities at a young age for them to interact with other adults and have real conversations. Teach them to be responsible in the home. Expect them to pay for their own wants. Encourage them to answer direct questions at their doctor appointments, maybe even have them make their own appointments. Watch them navigate the natural consequences of their poor choices. If they forget their homework at home, don’t run home and bring it to them after drop off. Celebrate when they have good ones because of their good choices. Listen when you can. Allow them to create their own path and give them choices regarding sports and clothes. Let go of these thoughts; “ I have to fix things for my child because if I don’t they will never get in to a good college, get a good job and be a successful person.” Examine what successful means to you and for your child. Every child has different abilities and different desires for their life ahead. We tend to have a script about these in our minds from the moment we get pregnant. I certainly had one. Let it go. Be the parent you want to be, not the one you think everyone thinks you should be. Let go of the anxiety whenever you can. It will free you. Will that always be good enough? No one can make that promise. It’s a leap then another leap then a third. But the baby wishes you have early on for your children, if they are true and good can still be there. The ever growing love you have as you raise these children are enough the guide you if you trust yourself. Be intentional most of the time. Be kind to yourself most of the time. Reflect when you can and learn from your mistakes. Don’t act out of guilt. Don’t spoil your kids. Teach them to recognize other spoiled kids. Revisit the happiest moments of your life and remember why they were the happiest. Create other happy moments for your children whenever possible.
I have been asked by parents many times to secretly drug test their kids. Why? Because they are struggling at home and are suspicious or have found evidence to say that their kids are using. I say no every time. I believe a teenager should be aware of any drug test. There should be open conversations about it. Clear expectations given and honesty about results. These are difficult conversations in my office, but they are honest ones. Raise your child to communicate with you so that when these times arise, you can ask the hard questions. They will be more likely to answer the hard questions, even knowing that the poor choices are not ok with you. But then you will know and are better able to set up expectations and consequences. I’m not there yet with my own kids, but in a way I am already paving the road for future conversations. I share stories with my older children about drugs and its’ dangers, albeit in small doses. I answer questions about almost anything. I spend time with them without screens. I don’t say yes to everything because not everyone in their future world will. I try to raise them to be inquisitive, open-minded and cautious but not pushy, careless or scared. I believe that if I micromanage them now, rescue them at every turn (for example by doing a school project they forgot to do, asking teachers for extra time, arguing for them about grades, getting in between them and their coaches, cleaning up all of their messes, speaking for them at doctor visits, over scheduling them so that they will not “miss out”) I will never have peace about doing what is best for them. It will always be hard to watch them go off to college or take any other big leaps as they will eventually do. But this momma plans on doing it tearfully and confidently, knowing that I did not do everything for them along the way. That gives them the best shot to grow. I will allow them to fall as hard as that may be for everyone. In certain situations, I will help them up if they let me. Hopefully, they will know it is all out of love. One of my baby wishes is that they always feel my love. I often say to them while snuggling, “ can you feel my love?” The love we hold for our children, for most of us, is indescribable. It is at our first meeting even with the fluorescent lights overhead. It is there as we walk them into preschool and hug them goodbye. It is there as we put them to bed and kiss them goodnight. Even when preceded by bickering, meltdowns and exhaustion. For me, focusing on this, takes away some of my own parental anxiety. I’m thankful for their love. I’m grateful for it because it creates a drive in me to raise them with these goals. I can’t do that well if I’m worried at every turn. I can do it well if I’m intentional and teach myself these skills. You can, too.